Peasants are a funny thing. It appears as though the forces in control are in control because they control - the peasants. Where the peasant population is commonly portrayed as down-trodden and helpless, it is usually the power-base that is exploited to drive a government overthrow.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Easy Day
Nothing happened. Working on the notion of "being valuable" & "proving value". I get a lot of proof from my job. I get pats and pets, people want ME to do things, I'm trusted to "get it done". But I asked Ralph to prove his value, and he was talking about how he gets it from his friends and family. I thought that put him in a place of trying to live up to somebody else's expectations. I didn't mention that I feel that's what girls do with all the phone chit-chat and fashion games. This raised the comparison to "personal value from social consciousness", if I fit societies mold, I have worth. If I'm an out-liner, I'm a looser. I stated that there had to be some means to prove I have value without having to point to a bible, a fat wallet, a cool car, a sexy girlfriend…
So I turned it around… "Is EVERYONE valuable?" Or just most people? How about insane people? Do they count? I thought I had something going here.
Then Ralph nailed it. "Valuable to who?" And this was the key. I'm valuable to me daughter. I'm valuable to my job. I'm valuable to Christ. I have value! But I'm still pointing to outside reasons. And the end of the journey is to point inside and ask "am I valuable to ME?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Well, the fast is broken
I guess that I should be glad, or relieved, or SOMETHING, but I'm not. The food was great, Raven and I went to Panera's, and I got my bread bowl full of broccoli soup! But I was a little sad about throwing away 21-days of fasting. I really never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm starting to plan a 40-day fast. I would like it to end on Passover or Easter or Ascension or something. Yeah, I think its coming.
I also am trying to use Word-2007 to make my blog posts… I hope it works because I have more control over the layout of the text.
Things revealed to me these past 21-days
- The best reason for a relationship is because you're lonely. That's all you need. Then worry about the will of God.
- I AM lonely, and was blocking Gods will in that direction.
- I am ready for a relationship. There isn't anything that needs to be "done first".
- Dawn's infidelity wasn't entirely her fault. I misunderstood how that happens.
- Jesus Christ was 100% human. A man can survive without bread for 40-days.
- God is really close in my life. Many events link-up into a chain that would be impossible to occur randomly. Definitely a method – a purpose.
- It is important to kneel to pray. I don't know why, but I know it is.
- Every good/right thing that ever happened in my life was inside of God's will. Everything else was *my* will. Every "good idea" or "lucky break" I got was through God. I claimed that I was running my own destiny, but it was a lie. My will just happened to coincide with God's desires.
- Mark 929He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer" (Some manuscripts prayer and fasting). The fasting isn't part of faith, its part of the physical fortitude. One becomes a stronger human when they have the power to fast for great periods of time. Weak men can't do mighty acts. I don't think you need to fast more than once.
- Jesus is my friend.
- I thought I ate to live. Now I see that I lived to eat.
I can't stop snacking (won't). I denied myself for so long that it feels GREAT to give-in to temptation. I wonder if I'll need to pull in the reins, or if I'll slow down naturally…
So I was driving home from work last night, and I notice a lot of smoke coming up from behind me. When I stop, I see that it's steam from under my hood. I figure that I overfilled my radiator and it's overflow that's splashing the engine. Well, it doesn't stop. All the way home I'm smoking. I'm freaking that a cop will stop me just because I look like I'm gonna' blow. I get home ok, and I start to go to the house. I re-think and decide that I guess I should check and see what's up… I look under the hood and find a very small squirt of coolant spraying out of the upper hose right onto the exhaust manifold. It's a PERFECT shot. I'm real bummed-out all the way to buying a new hose online finding out that the damn thing only casts $11.89 American! I put-off buying one of these things for years, YEARS, because I thought they cost big bucks! Man, I felt so stupid until I realized that God was working. If that leak wasn't PERFECT, I never would have know about the leak until I had a real, REAL, problem…
Monday, January 18, 2010
Way too many things are going on!
Praise God for the miracles in my life today (these days). Let's go WAY back.
Last year a guy got fired from work. The story was that the reason was "no show, no call". We all suspected alcohol had a part in it.
Later, I heard from the company side, that he was trying to get his job back by working a program of recovery, and that he was going to us *ME* as a contact. That wasn't a problem, I had offered before to bring him to my church group, or AA, or what not. In any case, I figured that I should call him.
He told me that the company agreed to hire him back if he started going to meetings, and that he'd like to start. I was excited and started looking for some in our hood. I found the "Unicorn Candlelight Group" that met in the basement of a church rectory. It was just too much, I had to check it out, my friend said he'd go.
Then, getting a replacement players club card at the casino, the attendant informs me that my drivers license is about to expire. Later I go to the DMV to see if I can get it up again. I had received a letter (a year or so ago) about an unpaid traffic ticket from Antioch... Yea, THAT one...
Yes, there was a block on my license and I needed to clear it with Lake County. I got an address and a ticket number. I emailed to ask if I could just send them the money and I could have... I planed too...
The day (night) came, and friend was busy elsewhere. I was going to back-out too, but I started thinking about how much I was looking forward to it. I went in spite of myself, and LOVED it! It was GREAT being in a meeting again!
Diane made a comment about making amends to an old boyfriend, and something clicked in me. After all these years, I've never claimed my part in my trouble with Dawn. How could I? I couldn't even look at her face. Well, as time wore on... Well anyway, I realized that now I could, and should, and would, do my amends to Dawn.
The next day (on my visitation Friday) the the company wants me in Milwaukee to recon some things that needed to get done. They give me the company car. As I'm getting it signed-out Vladamire says "there's a copy of your license on file right?" and I say "oh yeah".
All the way I'm listening to AA tapes and kicking myself in the ass for being so stupid.
On the way back I'm listening to AA tapes thinking, I decided to apologize...
I stop at Panera's to pick-up Raven. I waited until I had Raven and we were starting to walk away from each other (just in case it went bad). When I said "Oh, Dawn?" she gave me the feeling like she was scared I was going to say something nasty.
I said something like "I just want to apologize for my part in our marriage falling apart. A lot of stuff I didn't know, a lot of stuff I didn't understand, but I didn't want to break anything..."
You could have knocked her over with a feather! And then she held out her hand and said "thank you", and I shook it, and thought "that was really cool".
I was giddy all the way home. I just kept giggling. I really thought Dawn HATED me. And I owe it to AA. Thinking about it now, if she didn't make me stop AA, we probably would still be married.
Then the company wants me in Milwaukee to do two belts. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that I NEED to drive my own vehicle because I don't have a license, and if I get busted, I'll get hammered by my job! But then my truck is fucked-up. Over the summer, with my radiator leak, I just keep adding water, water, water. Now it's winter... Driving to work, my Bronco stalls. I can't figure out why. I just came to a stop, and the truck just dies. It won't start back up.
I call the boss, I call a hook. I check for anything under the hood. Then I notice how cold it is STILL in the truck. I check under the hood again, and the radiator hoses are ROCK hard with ice. I'm sure my block is cracked!
After a few minutes, I decide that maybe the engine cooled down enough by now, and give it a crank. Yep, starts right up. I put it in gear and drive on. After a mile or so I pull over and kill the motor to let it cool down some more. Then I'm thinking, well, it's a pile of scrap metal anyway... I start up and drive on.
All is well until I get to Grainger. Something blows under my hood and smoke and steam are pouring out all huge clouds and all. I can't see, But I know where the parking lot is, so I pull in and kill the engine and pop the hood.
The radiator return hose blew off the engine, and whatever liquid WAS in there was gone NOW... And I'm thinking, well, it's scrap metal anyway... I get in, turn the key, and drive on. I get to work OK, and I'm only 16mins late!
Fred has already cleared it with Anna for me to take the company car home with me so I can leave earlier... I'm thinking, having a car to get some coolant and some tools and to even just to get home is a good thing... I take the car and buy coolant. The next morning I zip to work, fix the hose, and fill the radiator.
I drive to Milwaukee, do the job, drive back, pick-up Raven (late), back to Skokie, drop the company car, start my truck, drive home no problems.
Then I hooked-up with Tony. He just started and was having a good time, but kept saying that he was having a hard time making time for AA. Then the Unicorn Group pitched a Christmas party at the Gale St. Inn. I sat next to Tony. Making chit-chat I said that you have to make the steps REAL for YOU! I asked him if he was powerless over alcohol and he gave me a line about "when I have alcohol in my system", "enzymes react", "creates a craving", yadda yadda, yadda...
I just said, "so, since you don't have ANY alcohol in your system, your NOT powerless?"
Steven chimed in about "doing the 1st step perfect", and Tony said something about "according to Russ, I'm not sure I even did the 1st step". I said again that you gotta make it REAL. We finished dinner, hugged good-byes, and never saw Tony again.
Next came a comment out of the 24-a-day, relationship issues, something like "having dreams more suited to a 17 year old instead of a 47 year old". And THAT caught my attention because I'm 47, and thinking about it, that was the only concept of a relationship I had. What's a relationship about if it's NOT about raising a family and buying a house and getting a dog and planning for college and...
Next came the New Years meeting! The church was closed that day, so Diane emailed out if anybody could "host" a meeting at their home. Stefania JUMPED on it!
Stef has a really nice house that's really close. I walked over. There was at least 30 people there (our's and the Martha Group). Lots of food! And a GREAT quiche that I wish I had the recipe!
Anyway, after the meeting, after the food, before the ball-drop, I start talking about the reasons for a relationship. I finally admitted my loneliness and my quandary. Just because somebody is lonely, should they go out to find somebody to "fix" them? Isn't it selfish to, just because "I" feel bad, I'm going to find somebody to make "ME" feel better. I said "if you are lonely, buy a dog!" (Bob Mckelvey).
Then I made the insight, I can't get a dog, because I have no idea where I'm going to be next week, let alone 17 years. And if I can't risk a dogs welfare, how could I do that to a woman?
In any case, nobody liked it. In hind-sight, I think that they were trying to "hook-up" (if you know what I mean).
Then Velko goes on vacation (to Bulgaria) for a month (I hope). Fred slides me onto 2nd shift to cover for him. This is going to mess with my visitation. But after a few days, I'm thinking I could drive up and get my ticket handled, and then my license too!
Then my church decides to do a 21-day fast. I show up out of curiosity, and before you know it, I'm committing myself to it. Pastor Dwayne wants a church on the far North side of the city. Fasting is supposed to help make it happen. I'm on 2nd, so nobody at work knows I'm not eating. Also, my flipped hours messes-up my "would me" eating schedule.
I tell Dawn that my schedule is 2nd, and she's real nice about making arrangements. We agree on 8am Saturday pick-up in Belvedier.
After a couple of hours sleep, I'm in Belvedier on time. I have Raven and we start driving. I ask her if she's hungry, she says no, then she says yes, there's a McDonald's right at the corner.
At first I say yea, but then, I changed to nigh (because I'm hungry, I want to get BACK, I don't want to be THERE). I should have gone to McDonald's...
I turned right on State, and almost immediately I saw the unmarked cop about 2 blocks behind. I can feel him closing in on ME. I make another right to try to get out of his way, and yep, he's on me. I make another right and head for Dawn's boyfriend's house and the lights are on.
Right away he points out the my license is expired, and that I need to make arrangements to have somebody move my truck. I have to call Dawn because I can't leave Raven stranded. I kind of expected her to race over to save Raven, we weren't far from the house, but after she had Raven, she asked how she could help ME!
After I told her the story, she offered to let me drive her car while she drove my truck out of town. I didn't feel so good about that because my truck was a bucket of bolts... She said that it wouldn't be the first time she drove one of my buckets of bolts, and chucked me in the arm. It kinda felt like old times...
Anyway, then she offered to lead me out of town on back-streets, this was good, this we did.
At the expressway on-ramp we pulled into a gas station to swap Raven back. I did my best to thank her profusely, and was going to clap-hands, but she wanted to hug, so we did. Jesus, and a month ago, I couldn't... I never NEVER would have believed...
Then with the added incentive, and the new hours, I took care of the ticket ($75) and my license ($38) (I cheated them on my M class) last week, no problems at all. Now if I would only fix my LIGHTS!
Then I started flirting with a girl from one of my AA meetings. I really don't think anything can happen, but I've learned some stuff. The most important thing is that I really AM lonely. Painfully so. And the 2nd is that it's not about me, or her, or anyone. It's about God. I didn't know what I was doing when I asked Dawn to marry me. I didn't really care. I knew I was inside the will of God. I KNOW I was, because I came out the other side, so much the better man. In a sick kind of way, I believe it happened for the best.
I also learned that it really wasn't Dawn's fault-fault... I've been flirting/playing/pretending. She's been with a guy for 4 years. Probably will be forever. But, I think, if I pushed just a little... Right now, she's just venting. Relationships are work, and work isn't always fun. Nobody's perfect, and even if you love somebody to death, the imperfections will pop-out at the most inconvenient moments. If somebody took advantage of those moments...
I had heard Dawn say to her friends that Jim had taken advantage of her. At the time I thought I knew better, after all, I heard a lot more than that. But now-a-days, maybe I do know better.
Then I got an email from Stefania begging a doggie rescue. Pictures and sad Sac story and everything. Well, something pulled on my heartstrings and I replied. I meant to say that I was the last resort, but they just went ahead and hooked me up. I pick her up on Saturday, with Raven. I get weepy just thinking how cool this is.
So, that's where we are today, Sunday/Monday (2nd shift blows). I'm looking at one more week of fast, and I'm not too happy in one way, because I seem to be the only fool from church doing it! Everyone else is on a fruits and vegetables fast (Danial fast they call it). Hell, one bloke is fasting from TV! What's the point of me sticking it out?
The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. Way too many good things have been happening. I don't want to stop the flow by changing ANYTHING! I don't know if the fasting has anything at ALL to do with it, but I don't want to take the chance of messing this blessing flow of God's will.
Get on your knees and pray, it's important, it works!!!
Last year a guy got fired from work. The story was that the reason was "no show, no call". We all suspected alcohol had a part in it.
Later, I heard from the company side, that he was trying to get his job back by working a program of recovery, and that he was going to us *ME* as a contact. That wasn't a problem, I had offered before to bring him to my church group, or AA, or what not. In any case, I figured that I should call him.
He told me that the company agreed to hire him back if he started going to meetings, and that he'd like to start. I was excited and started looking for some in our hood. I found the "Unicorn Candlelight Group" that met in the basement of a church rectory. It was just too much, I had to check it out, my friend said he'd go.
Then, getting a replacement players club card at the casino, the attendant informs me that my drivers license is about to expire. Later I go to the DMV to see if I can get it up again. I had received a letter (a year or so ago) about an unpaid traffic ticket from Antioch... Yea, THAT one...
Yes, there was a block on my license and I needed to clear it with Lake County. I got an address and a ticket number. I emailed to ask if I could just send them the money and I could have... I planed too...
The day (night) came, and friend was busy elsewhere. I was going to back-out too, but I started thinking about how much I was looking forward to it. I went in spite of myself, and LOVED it! It was GREAT being in a meeting again!
Diane made a comment about making amends to an old boyfriend, and something clicked in me. After all these years, I've never claimed my part in my trouble with Dawn. How could I? I couldn't even look at her face. Well, as time wore on... Well anyway, I realized that now I could, and should, and would, do my amends to Dawn.
The next day (on my visitation Friday) the the company wants me in Milwaukee to recon some things that needed to get done. They give me the company car. As I'm getting it signed-out Vladamire says "there's a copy of your license on file right?" and I say "oh yeah".
All the way I'm listening to AA tapes and kicking myself in the ass for being so stupid.
On the way back I'm listening to AA tapes thinking, I decided to apologize...
I stop at Panera's to pick-up Raven. I waited until I had Raven and we were starting to walk away from each other (just in case it went bad). When I said "Oh, Dawn?" she gave me the feeling like she was scared I was going to say something nasty.
I said something like "I just want to apologize for my part in our marriage falling apart. A lot of stuff I didn't know, a lot of stuff I didn't understand, but I didn't want to break anything..."
You could have knocked her over with a feather! And then she held out her hand and said "thank you", and I shook it, and thought "that was really cool".
I was giddy all the way home. I just kept giggling. I really thought Dawn HATED me. And I owe it to AA. Thinking about it now, if she didn't make me stop AA, we probably would still be married.
Then the company wants me in Milwaukee to do two belts. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that I NEED to drive my own vehicle because I don't have a license, and if I get busted, I'll get hammered by my job! But then my truck is fucked-up. Over the summer, with my radiator leak, I just keep adding water, water, water. Now it's winter... Driving to work, my Bronco stalls. I can't figure out why. I just came to a stop, and the truck just dies. It won't start back up.
I call the boss, I call a hook. I check for anything under the hood. Then I notice how cold it is STILL in the truck. I check under the hood again, and the radiator hoses are ROCK hard with ice. I'm sure my block is cracked!
After a few minutes, I decide that maybe the engine cooled down enough by now, and give it a crank. Yep, starts right up. I put it in gear and drive on. After a mile or so I pull over and kill the motor to let it cool down some more. Then I'm thinking, well, it's a pile of scrap metal anyway... I start up and drive on.
All is well until I get to Grainger. Something blows under my hood and smoke and steam are pouring out all huge clouds and all. I can't see, But I know where the parking lot is, so I pull in and kill the engine and pop the hood.
The radiator return hose blew off the engine, and whatever liquid WAS in there was gone NOW... And I'm thinking, well, it's scrap metal anyway... I get in, turn the key, and drive on. I get to work OK, and I'm only 16mins late!
Fred has already cleared it with Anna for me to take the company car home with me so I can leave earlier... I'm thinking, having a car to get some coolant and some tools and to even just to get home is a good thing... I take the car and buy coolant. The next morning I zip to work, fix the hose, and fill the radiator.
I drive to Milwaukee, do the job, drive back, pick-up Raven (late), back to Skokie, drop the company car, start my truck, drive home no problems.
Then I hooked-up with Tony. He just started and was having a good time, but kept saying that he was having a hard time making time for AA. Then the Unicorn Group pitched a Christmas party at the Gale St. Inn. I sat next to Tony. Making chit-chat I said that you have to make the steps REAL for YOU! I asked him if he was powerless over alcohol and he gave me a line about "when I have alcohol in my system", "enzymes react", "creates a craving", yadda yadda, yadda...
I just said, "so, since you don't have ANY alcohol in your system, your NOT powerless?"
Steven chimed in about "doing the 1st step perfect", and Tony said something about "according to Russ, I'm not sure I even did the 1st step". I said again that you gotta make it REAL. We finished dinner, hugged good-byes, and never saw Tony again.
Next came a comment out of the 24-a-day, relationship issues, something like "having dreams more suited to a 17 year old instead of a 47 year old". And THAT caught my attention because I'm 47, and thinking about it, that was the only concept of a relationship I had. What's a relationship about if it's NOT about raising a family and buying a house and getting a dog and planning for college and...
Next came the New Years meeting! The church was closed that day, so Diane emailed out if anybody could "host" a meeting at their home. Stefania JUMPED on it!
Stef has a really nice house that's really close. I walked over. There was at least 30 people there (our's and the Martha Group). Lots of food! And a GREAT quiche that I wish I had the recipe!
Anyway, after the meeting, after the food, before the ball-drop, I start talking about the reasons for a relationship. I finally admitted my loneliness and my quandary. Just because somebody is lonely, should they go out to find somebody to "fix" them? Isn't it selfish to, just because "I" feel bad, I'm going to find somebody to make "ME" feel better. I said "if you are lonely, buy a dog!" (Bob Mckelvey).
Then I made the insight, I can't get a dog, because I have no idea where I'm going to be next week, let alone 17 years. And if I can't risk a dogs welfare, how could I do that to a woman?
In any case, nobody liked it. In hind-sight, I think that they were trying to "hook-up" (if you know what I mean).
Then Velko goes on vacation (to Bulgaria) for a month (I hope). Fred slides me onto 2nd shift to cover for him. This is going to mess with my visitation. But after a few days, I'm thinking I could drive up and get my ticket handled, and then my license too!
Then my church decides to do a 21-day fast. I show up out of curiosity, and before you know it, I'm committing myself to it. Pastor Dwayne wants a church on the far North side of the city. Fasting is supposed to help make it happen. I'm on 2nd, so nobody at work knows I'm not eating. Also, my flipped hours messes-up my "would me" eating schedule.
I tell Dawn that my schedule is 2nd, and she's real nice about making arrangements. We agree on 8am Saturday pick-up in Belvedier.
After a couple of hours sleep, I'm in Belvedier on time. I have Raven and we start driving. I ask her if she's hungry, she says no, then she says yes, there's a McDonald's right at the corner.
At first I say yea, but then, I changed to nigh (because I'm hungry, I want to get BACK, I don't want to be THERE). I should have gone to McDonald's...
I turned right on State, and almost immediately I saw the unmarked cop about 2 blocks behind. I can feel him closing in on ME. I make another right to try to get out of his way, and yep, he's on me. I make another right and head for Dawn's boyfriend's house and the lights are on.
Right away he points out the my license is expired, and that I need to make arrangements to have somebody move my truck. I have to call Dawn because I can't leave Raven stranded. I kind of expected her to race over to save Raven, we weren't far from the house, but after she had Raven, she asked how she could help ME!
After I told her the story, she offered to let me drive her car while she drove my truck out of town. I didn't feel so good about that because my truck was a bucket of bolts... She said that it wouldn't be the first time she drove one of my buckets of bolts, and chucked me in the arm. It kinda felt like old times...
Anyway, then she offered to lead me out of town on back-streets, this was good, this we did.
At the expressway on-ramp we pulled into a gas station to swap Raven back. I did my best to thank her profusely, and was going to clap-hands, but she wanted to hug, so we did. Jesus, and a month ago, I couldn't... I never NEVER would have believed...
Then with the added incentive, and the new hours, I took care of the ticket ($75) and my license ($38) (I cheated them on my M class) last week, no problems at all. Now if I would only fix my LIGHTS!
Then I started flirting with a girl from one of my AA meetings. I really don't think anything can happen, but I've learned some stuff. The most important thing is that I really AM lonely. Painfully so. And the 2nd is that it's not about me, or her, or anyone. It's about God. I didn't know what I was doing when I asked Dawn to marry me. I didn't really care. I knew I was inside the will of God. I KNOW I was, because I came out the other side, so much the better man. In a sick kind of way, I believe it happened for the best.
I also learned that it really wasn't Dawn's fault-fault... I've been flirting/playing/pretending. She's been with a guy for 4 years. Probably will be forever. But, I think, if I pushed just a little... Right now, she's just venting. Relationships are work, and work isn't always fun. Nobody's perfect, and even if you love somebody to death, the imperfections will pop-out at the most inconvenient moments. If somebody took advantage of those moments...
I had heard Dawn say to her friends that Jim had taken advantage of her. At the time I thought I knew better, after all, I heard a lot more than that. But now-a-days, maybe I do know better.
Then I got an email from Stefania begging a doggie rescue. Pictures and sad Sac story and everything. Well, something pulled on my heartstrings and I replied. I meant to say that I was the last resort, but they just went ahead and hooked me up. I pick her up on Saturday, with Raven. I get weepy just thinking how cool this is.
So, that's where we are today, Sunday/Monday (2nd shift blows). I'm looking at one more week of fast, and I'm not too happy in one way, because I seem to be the only fool from church doing it! Everyone else is on a fruits and vegetables fast (Danial fast they call it). Hell, one bloke is fasting from TV! What's the point of me sticking it out?
The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. Way too many good things have been happening. I don't want to stop the flow by changing ANYTHING! I don't know if the fasting has anything at ALL to do with it, but I don't want to take the chance of messing this blessing flow of God's will.
Get on your knees and pray, it's important, it works!!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Been too long
I've fallen behind. About a week and a half ago I started what's supposed to be a 21-day fast. I've was a little, idunno, I mean, I don't really think that anybody else is doing it. Some people are "fasting from TV" or "soda pop" or "I'm just eating fruits and vegetables - a Danial fast". I'm also a little torqued over how many people are just trying to lose weight.
I sometimes thing I'm wasting my time with this fast, but some really good things have been coming my way, and I don't want to stop the flow. I do wish I knew it was from the fasting or from my renewed AA participation. In any case, here's a list of some good things.
Found the Unicorn Group in my neighborhood. It's a great group; it's a close group. The first message I got was that it was time to make amends to Dawn, which I did do. And much to my surprise, she graciously accepted. I was sure that she would dig into me, but instead (after a shocked pause), she reached out - shook my hand - and said "thank you".
Went to a Christmas party with the Unicorn at the Gale St. Inn, and had a great time. I think it's the last time I'll see Tony K. I put him on the point of "are you REALLY powerless", and I think he decided "no".
Went to a New Years party at Stefania's home, and had a great time. My favorite food was some crazy quiche thing. I normally don't like quiche, but this was really tasty. I was sad that I waited to the end to try it, because I didn't have any room left!
At the party I started asking people about what a "mid-life relationship" should be about. Nobody really "got it". They were thinking "how to pick-up girls" and I wanted to know; If I'm lonely, is it OK (good) for me to look for somebody to fill that void? In essence, find somebody to "fix me". I know the answer is no, but I didn't know why it was wrong, or what other purpose a relationship serve. I said "if your lonely, buy a dog." Nobody liked that. They said "your lonely, why don't YOU buy a dog?" I told them that I would LOVE to, but I didn't know where I would be in the next 17 years. And then I argued; if I can't plan my life for a dog, how fair is it for me to subject a woman to my life? But I did start to form my argument.
I'm going to have to follow-up on this. I need sleep, I need to go to DMV...
I sometimes thing I'm wasting my time with this fast, but some really good things have been coming my way, and I don't want to stop the flow. I do wish I knew it was from the fasting or from my renewed AA participation. In any case, here's a list of some good things.
Found the Unicorn Group in my neighborhood. It's a great group; it's a close group. The first message I got was that it was time to make amends to Dawn, which I did do. And much to my surprise, she graciously accepted. I was sure that she would dig into me, but instead (after a shocked pause), she reached out - shook my hand - and said "thank you".
Went to a Christmas party with the Unicorn at the Gale St. Inn, and had a great time. I think it's the last time I'll see Tony K. I put him on the point of "are you REALLY powerless", and I think he decided "no".
Went to a New Years party at Stefania's home, and had a great time. My favorite food was some crazy quiche thing. I normally don't like quiche, but this was really tasty. I was sad that I waited to the end to try it, because I didn't have any room left!
At the party I started asking people about what a "mid-life relationship" should be about. Nobody really "got it". They were thinking "how to pick-up girls" and I wanted to know; If I'm lonely, is it OK (good) for me to look for somebody to fill that void? In essence, find somebody to "fix me". I know the answer is no, but I didn't know why it was wrong, or what other purpose a relationship serve. I said "if your lonely, buy a dog." Nobody liked that. They said "your lonely, why don't YOU buy a dog?" I told them that I would LOVE to, but I didn't know where I would be in the next 17 years. And then I argued; if I can't plan my life for a dog, how fair is it for me to subject a woman to my life? But I did start to form my argument.
I'm going to have to follow-up on this. I need sleep, I need to go to DMV...
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Thank you Jesus for bringing me to a place of forgiveness
I have been blessed with an opportunity to ask for and receive forgiveness. I have lived a twisted life and I've given and received as much evil as I have good. In many ways I've viewed this as a blessing as I for one REALLY knows what I'm being saved from.
There's a TON of toxic waste from my past that is buried and forgotten, but it's still toxic, and it's still here, even if it's hidden from my sight. That's a problem...
Today, I was lead through some pretty evil behavior that I had unloaded upon a friend so long ago that I was surprised that I could even remember what I said. But I remembered way more still. I could taste again the venom on my tongue, aggressive posture, the clothes I was wearing, the noises around me. I could see again in front of me, my victim, the target, my enemy.
I remember digging down deep into my shame, my fear, my guilt, my pain, and hurling this evil at a guy that was just around me at the wrong time. I remembered how good it felt too...
Today I prayed forgiveness for something so old, that the only players left are me and Jesus...
Jesus, I was an idiot, just as I am an idiot. Please forgive me.
I pray the blood of Jesus, heal me.
There's a TON of toxic waste from my past that is buried and forgotten, but it's still toxic, and it's still here, even if it's hidden from my sight. That's a problem...
Today, I was lead through some pretty evil behavior that I had unloaded upon a friend so long ago that I was surprised that I could even remember what I said. But I remembered way more still. I could taste again the venom on my tongue, aggressive posture, the clothes I was wearing, the noises around me. I could see again in front of me, my victim, the target, my enemy.
I remember digging down deep into my shame, my fear, my guilt, my pain, and hurling this evil at a guy that was just around me at the wrong time. I remembered how good it felt too...
Today I prayed forgiveness for something so old, that the only players left are me and Jesus...
Jesus, I was an idiot, just as I am an idiot. Please forgive me.
I pray the blood of Jesus, heal me.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Just a quick post because it's so late...
Thank you God for pushing me into the Recovery group tonight... I know that I was looking for ANY excuse to get out of it... I really believe that I helped some people (and myself too).
I pray for Raven's safety and well being,
In Jesus' name
I pray for Raven's safety and well being,
In Jesus' name
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thanks for a nice day at the Disney Train
Thank you Jesus for getting Raven to and from the train safely. And thanks for getting her home before her mother was here to pick her up!
Thank you for a safe day at work, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow too!
Jesus, please continue to watch over my family and friends.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Thank you for a safe day at work, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow too!
Jesus, please continue to watch over my family and friends.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thank you Jesus for my friends
Thank you for Maureen having the time to watch Raven so I don't have to bring her to work with me tomorrow. I know she would have been OK with it, but I also know that she's having a blast sleeping over at Fiona's.
Jesus, I am trying to stay focused on Raven. I'm learning that she is suffering way too much for such a great kid. She's having bully troubles at school, her mother is moving in with a new boyfriend, her friends in Antioch are disappearing one by one as the economy gets worse and worse. Soon she'll lose everything in Antioch to start new in Rockford Il. at Phil's house.
Then I'll be causing trouble with the lawyers and the mediation and the court and all. Christ, help me to stay focused on Raven's well being. I need to know that I'm working for Raven. And that I'm trying to grow Raven into a good christian. In fact, I think I overheard her tell Maureen that she needed to go to church tomorrow. It would be nice if that would happen, but I doubt that Maureen (or Jim) would bring her to and from JeffPark (giggle).
Thank you Jesus for your love.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Jesus, I am trying to stay focused on Raven. I'm learning that she is suffering way too much for such a great kid. She's having bully troubles at school, her mother is moving in with a new boyfriend, her friends in Antioch are disappearing one by one as the economy gets worse and worse. Soon she'll lose everything in Antioch to start new in Rockford Il. at Phil's house.
Then I'll be causing trouble with the lawyers and the mediation and the court and all. Christ, help me to stay focused on Raven's well being. I need to know that I'm working for Raven. And that I'm trying to grow Raven into a good christian. In fact, I think I overheard her tell Maureen that she needed to go to church tomorrow. It would be nice if that would happen, but I doubt that Maureen (or Jim) would bring her to and from JeffPark (giggle).
Thank you Jesus for your love.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I fear that my prayer is being answered
Thank you Jesus for a safe drive to and from Antioch for the Raven pick-up.
Thanks for the safe play at the roller rink.
Thank you for Raven's lesson about not leaving $4.05 in locker #9.
Thank you for starting my truck when it stalled in front of Dawn's house in Antioch. I would have died of embarrassment if I had to ask for a jump...
Jesus, please give me the strength, courage, and fortitude to ride the monster I prayed for. I just learned tonight from Raven that Dawn is planning to move in with a guy who lives in Rockford Illinois. This is even further away than Antioch. I guess that the first step would be to go for mediation? I fear that this is where I fight for custody of my daughter? But I shouldn't fear because this is what I pray for? Jesus help me do this right, and with love, and in your will.
in Jesus' name.
Thanks for the safe play at the roller rink.
Thank you for Raven's lesson about not leaving $4.05 in locker #9.
Thank you for starting my truck when it stalled in front of Dawn's house in Antioch. I would have died of embarrassment if I had to ask for a jump...
Jesus, please give me the strength, courage, and fortitude to ride the monster I prayed for. I just learned tonight from Raven that Dawn is planning to move in with a guy who lives in Rockford Illinois. This is even further away than Antioch. I guess that the first step would be to go for mediation? I fear that this is where I fight for custody of my daughter? But I shouldn't fear because this is what I pray for? Jesus help me do this right, and with love, and in your will.
in Jesus' name.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Last day was GREAT ! ! !
It was really good,
I was worried because we woke late (11:00am as usual), but THIS time Raven said "let's go to DisneyWorld" instead of the normal "let's go swimming". I could have weaseled out of going to the Magic Kingdom because of our late start but when I mentioned that I thought she wanted to go to Typhoon Lagoon she changed her tune to the Lagoon! I figured that if the park was open until 8:00pm that would give us about 8-hours in the sun and that was plenty (even too much).
My dad got real sour as I tried to kick him into gear. He didn't know where the park was and he couldn't read the map in the book. I pulled the route up on GoogleMaps, but he wouldn't look at my laptop. So I emailed the link to him but he couldn't get more than the driving directions. Then he complained about the directions starting from "Lakeland, FL." instead of his front door. Jesus!
We got out of here around 12:30pm and 99.98% of the drive was smooth. My dad broke the news that NOW he DID intend to join us inside the park. This "should" have made me worry, but the dots didn't connect. Anyway, I-4 all the way there. I just had to watch for exit-68 (I thought). I figured that with the park being about a mile from the exit, it would be EASY to find. Well, it was, kinda'... In the end, it was o.k.
It had started to get very cloudy and even began to rain as we got close and I was beginning to worry about the rain policy of Typhoon Lagoon. As we drove into the resort area the rain was coming down pretty good and the Disney associated were running for cover. Lots of people were leaving the park but when I questioned a few if the park was closing, they just said "it's raining".
At the front gate there was almost no pedestrian traffic and the main parking lot was very empty. I talked to an associate at the front turnstile about the rain and got back a cryptic answer like "the park is open but all of the rides are closed". I asked if it was closed for the day and she said that it would "when the thunder and lightning stop" + "there were reports of thunder and Lightning in the area".
I decided that we should give the weather a chance to lighten up, and meanwhile, move the car closer to the gate. We ended-up getting a parking space right at the front door! And the rain was just a light drizzle!
TROUBLE - - -
I went to the services booth and slipped our tickets under the glass and asked if we had water-park passes on them. The kid opened the pack and swiped one of them with the response "yes, you have water-park". This "should" have made me worry, but again, I didn't connect the dots.
We went to the turnstile and I passed out the tickets. Raven went through first, o.k. Dad went through next, o.k. I went through, well, no. The attendant told me that I just had a 4-day pass, no water-park. I told her that I just asked the guy in the booth over there if our tickets were o.k. and he said yes. She opened the side gate told me to just walk through. Praise Jesus.
Magic - - -
It was like magic! Just walking into the park was fun. It just got more exciting as we got deeper into the "Disney Experience"! When Raven finally saw the huge wave machine she just about lost all control. She went NUTS trying to find a way across the creek.
The first wave was wonderful. I held Raven's hand and she squealed in delight as the wave broke over us. I was so relieved that I could finally relieve myself and left Raven to play in the water as I went off for a restroom. When I came back Raven was NOT playing and was NOT happy. DISASTER
Here's how it goes - - -
There is non-skid on the floor of the pool. It is courser along the outer rim of the pool, VERY course indeed! (hurts the sole of the foot even). Anyway, Raven tried to do a wave in the very shallow water (with the course grit) and when the wave knocked her over/down she got scrapped up pretty badly. She wanted NO MORE.
The rest of the day would have been trashed if it wasn't for the inner-tube creek. Raven was afraid of some imminent SHOCK but I assured her that there wasn't a crash to come. Raven loved it, and insisted on a second go, immediately! We did.
Then it was off to find more ride, The Crushin' Gusher. I got Raven on it, but she wasn't happy. The operator was sympathetic, and Raven made no doubt about the fact that she did NOT want to do it! But we made her go down. She didn't like it at all. But she did enjoy playing in the pool at the bottom of the ride. We had snacks and she played there some more.
I'll add more later
I was worried because we woke late (11:00am as usual), but THIS time Raven said "let's go to DisneyWorld" instead of the normal "let's go swimming". I could have weaseled out of going to the Magic Kingdom because of our late start but when I mentioned that I thought she wanted to go to Typhoon Lagoon she changed her tune to the Lagoon! I figured that if the park was open until 8:00pm that would give us about 8-hours in the sun and that was plenty (even too much).
My dad got real sour as I tried to kick him into gear. He didn't know where the park was and he couldn't read the map in the book. I pulled the route up on GoogleMaps, but he wouldn't look at my laptop. So I emailed the link to him but he couldn't get more than the driving directions. Then he complained about the directions starting from "Lakeland, FL." instead of his front door. Jesus!
We got out of here around 12:30pm and 99.98% of the drive was smooth. My dad broke the news that NOW he DID intend to join us inside the park. This "should" have made me worry, but the dots didn't connect. Anyway, I-4 all the way there. I just had to watch for exit-68 (I thought). I figured that with the park being about a mile from the exit, it would be EASY to find. Well, it was, kinda'... In the end, it was o.k.
It had started to get very cloudy and even began to rain as we got close and I was beginning to worry about the rain policy of Typhoon Lagoon. As we drove into the resort area the rain was coming down pretty good and the Disney associated were running for cover. Lots of people were leaving the park but when I questioned a few if the park was closing, they just said "it's raining".
At the front gate there was almost no pedestrian traffic and the main parking lot was very empty. I talked to an associate at the front turnstile about the rain and got back a cryptic answer like "the park is open but all of the rides are closed". I asked if it was closed for the day and she said that it would "when the thunder and lightning stop" + "there were reports of thunder and Lightning in the area".
I decided that we should give the weather a chance to lighten up, and meanwhile, move the car closer to the gate. We ended-up getting a parking space right at the front door! And the rain was just a light drizzle!
TROUBLE - - -
I went to the services booth and slipped our tickets under the glass and asked if we had water-park passes on them. The kid opened the pack and swiped one of them with the response "yes, you have water-park". This "should" have made me worry, but again, I didn't connect the dots.
We went to the turnstile and I passed out the tickets. Raven went through first, o.k. Dad went through next, o.k. I went through, well, no. The attendant told me that I just had a 4-day pass, no water-park. I told her that I just asked the guy in the booth over there if our tickets were o.k. and he said yes. She opened the side gate told me to just walk through. Praise Jesus.
Magic - - -
It was like magic! Just walking into the park was fun. It just got more exciting as we got deeper into the "Disney Experience"! When Raven finally saw the huge wave machine she just about lost all control. She went NUTS trying to find a way across the creek.
The first wave was wonderful. I held Raven's hand and she squealed in delight as the wave broke over us. I was so relieved that I could finally relieve myself and left Raven to play in the water as I went off for a restroom. When I came back Raven was NOT playing and was NOT happy. DISASTER
Here's how it goes - - -
There is non-skid on the floor of the pool. It is courser along the outer rim of the pool, VERY course indeed! (hurts the sole of the foot even). Anyway, Raven tried to do a wave in the very shallow water (with the course grit) and when the wave knocked her over/down she got scrapped up pretty badly. She wanted NO MORE.
The rest of the day would have been trashed if it wasn't for the inner-tube creek. Raven was afraid of some imminent SHOCK but I assured her that there wasn't a crash to come. Raven loved it, and insisted on a second go, immediately! We did.
Then it was off to find more ride, The Crushin' Gusher. I got Raven on it, but she wasn't happy. The operator was sympathetic, and Raven made no doubt about the fact that she did NOT want to do it! But we made her go down. She didn't like it at all. But she did enjoy playing in the pool at the bottom of the ride. We had snacks and she played there some more.
I'll add more later
Saturday, May 3, 2008
My visitation was changed
Yesterday I was in court fighting for a mid-way meeting point for visitation with my daughter. What I got was a 50/50 driving on my weekends, and a change in hours on the Wednesdays (3:30 - 6:30 became 4:00 - 7:00). Added to this is the cost of being in court from 8:30am to 12:30pm. My attorney my not charge me for the whole 4hrs, but I did hook-up with him at his office at 8:00am.
I would have to say that the most painful discovery is that I could have just filed to have Dawn's petition thrown out, and it would have been (could have?). That's actually a comfort, knowing that if I went that way things could have gone worse, so maybe this was best.
So I'm looking at losing my Wednesday visitations by my choice. If I leave my job at 3:00 and I'm on the road by 3:20, I'll be in Antioch by 5:20? That would give me 1hr40mn for 3-1/2hrs of driving? I'll give it a try, I fear the traffic, but I'm kind of resigned to losing the mid-week time.
It's both happy and sad. I also feel a bit guilty because this might be a correction for the way I was putting Raven before all else - including God.
I would have to say that the most painful discovery is that I could have just filed to have Dawn's petition thrown out, and it would have been (could have?). That's actually a comfort, knowing that if I went that way things could have gone worse, so maybe this was best.
So I'm looking at losing my Wednesday visitations by my choice. If I leave my job at 3:00 and I'm on the road by 3:20, I'll be in Antioch by 5:20? That would give me 1hr40mn for 3-1/2hrs of driving? I'll give it a try, I fear the traffic, but I'm kind of resigned to losing the mid-week time.
It's both happy and sad. I also feel a bit guilty because this might be a correction for the way I was putting Raven before all else - including God.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday visitation
Still working for Rade, not sure what to make of that guy. I don't know what his personal objectives are. I don't know how honest he is. I don't think I've ever heard of any unscrupulous behavior, but I'm the suspicious type.
I had told Robert Lees about my notion of the shop making a good TV show. He had said that he was taking me up on it and starting to write some stuff. After hearing that, today I started carrying my MP3 and recording "shop talk". I guess I'll just stock pile the stuff and try to string something together later in life?
Picking-up Raven, Dawn came out to say that she had some shopping to do, and if I wanted to keep Raven until 7:30 if would be OK. Of course I said yes even though I had the Wed night bible study to do...
Had a great time with Raven, lots of kids got hurt! (grin). I don't know if I'll ever understand it. All the kids flock to me for play. We went to the JumpPlace and I was playing with Raven when other kids started joining in. It didn't take long before I'd fall on a kid, or throw a kid too far, or one kid would crash into another kid... I would call a time-out and sit it out a spell. But it wouldn't take very long before I had 6 little girls standing in front of me trying to coax me back into the game.
After our time was up I called the girls over to show-off our battle injuries. I have a bloody chin, Raven a scraped back, another girl a bruised knee, and another a bruised thigh. Oh and another boy a wrenched foot. And still they wanted more...
We went to Raven's fort park for dinner. we brought happy meals and made a day of it. There were two young girls there. At first I thought that the one was making a make on me when she started making small talk about my mustache , but later, while watching her tease a boy, I realized that she was just so desperate for attention (male attention?).
I remembered that I still haven't filled-out any insurance claim on my bike wreck yet. I wonder if it's too late?
Still downloading Linux. One disk is done and burned OK. Windows XP took a crap sometime last light, but I think I can continue the download without any trouble.
g-night
I had told Robert Lees about my notion of the shop making a good TV show. He had said that he was taking me up on it and starting to write some stuff. After hearing that, today I started carrying my MP3 and recording "shop talk". I guess I'll just stock pile the stuff and try to string something together later in life?
Picking-up Raven, Dawn came out to say that she had some shopping to do, and if I wanted to keep Raven until 7:30 if would be OK. Of course I said yes even though I had the Wed night bible study to do...
Had a great time with Raven, lots of kids got hurt! (grin). I don't know if I'll ever understand it. All the kids flock to me for play. We went to the JumpPlace and I was playing with Raven when other kids started joining in. It didn't take long before I'd fall on a kid, or throw a kid too far, or one kid would crash into another kid... I would call a time-out and sit it out a spell. But it wouldn't take very long before I had 6 little girls standing in front of me trying to coax me back into the game.
After our time was up I called the girls over to show-off our battle injuries. I have a bloody chin, Raven a scraped back, another girl a bruised knee, and another a bruised thigh. Oh and another boy a wrenched foot. And still they wanted more...
We went to Raven's fort park for dinner. we brought happy meals and made a day of it. There were two young girls there. At first I thought that the one was making a make on me when she started making small talk about my mustache , but later, while watching her tease a boy, I realized that she was just so desperate for attention (male attention?).
I remembered that I still haven't filled-out any insurance claim on my bike wreck yet. I wonder if it's too late?
Still downloading Linux. One disk is done and burned OK. Windows XP took a crap sometime last light, but I think I can continue the download without any trouble.
g-night
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Using my ThinkPad 600 again
Using my laptop again. I pulled it out so I could watch instant movies off NetFlix, but it don't work anyway. There's a DRM issue that I choose not to deal with. I'll be moving to Linux soon enough...
The job today went VERY well! I am extremely happy with the results. I think I lead a team to a jobs completion. I trust Fred will be pleased. I still have radio/music issues to sort through.
The job today went VERY well! I am extremely happy with the results. I think I lead a team to a jobs completion. I trust Fred will be pleased. I still have radio/music issues to sort through.
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